So I think this is one of those moments in life where you just start to lose it. I am losing it. I am more lonely, more confused, and more frustrated than ever before. I am finally beginning to feel actual pressure about my future and I finally realize that I don't have any answers. In saying this, I am not asking, wanting, nor requesting any sympathy or pity, for that matter. These are my feelings and I'm not going to lie about it in fear of people realizing that I too, struggle.
I'm not homesick. I'm not doing bad in school. I'm not making bad decisions (well, I sin, but you know what I mean). I'm not having troubles with friends. Or anything like that.
I am wanting answers. I am wanting to see the light that is supposedly there. I am wanting to trust God with all of this. I want to have the faith that God will see me through this unknown. I want to persevere. But I feel that I might not be strong enough. Why now? Why tonight? Why this week? Or why ever?
I am in the middle of filling out the remaining portion of my Truman application (due on the 3rd...holy crunch time) and after I answer each question, my confidence fades and fades. I'm not good enough for this. I don't think I have what it takes. I can't even figure out what I want to do for the summer, so how am I supposed to answer a question about where I see myself five to seven years after I complete grad school? This frustration with the unknown makes me want to sit in my room, alone, until I figure it out. I know that's not my personality, but it's what I'm feeling right now. I wish I could drive/fly far away, figure out my life, come back, and then enjoy. I don't want people to see me struggle.
At this point last year, I had job opportunities on the table while everyone else was fishing for ideas. Although I am incredibly happy and grateful that my friends have received excellent and exciting internship and research positions, I'm just flat out jealous. For as often as people tell me I have it all together, I'm really feeling like I don't.
I don't know where to begin and I don't know how to fix it. And as I hastily type this at 2AM, tears are building and I'm not going to stop them. I feel like I've failed and I can't give a reason why, or to whom I've let down. If it's you, I'm sorry and you deserve better. If it's not, well, sorry for the emotional rant. I hate going to bed because I feel that each hour I spend sleeping is one hour I should be spending thinking and figuring out my unknowns. I feel guilty for sleeping. What is wrong with me?!
I could keep going...but I think I'll spare all of you the pain and I think it's time for me to turn the light off so my lovely, smart, intelligent roommate can get some well-deserved rest.